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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25174258">never fucking change</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/giggly__gay/pseuds/spritewrites'>spritewrites (giggly__gay)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Umbrella Academy (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ben is the Voice of Reason, Brotherly Love, Cute, Fluff, Gen, Klaus is an idiot, Platonic Relationships, Sober Klaus Hargreeves, Sparring, Tickle Fights, Tickling, because they're tight like that, eccentric!klaus, five is an alcoholic, five vs klaus, klaus gives five dumb nicknames, rated for language, so there's some role reversal for ya, sober enough to talk to ben anyway, ticklish!five, when klaus gets strong enough to manifest ben it’s over for you hoes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 06:29:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,973</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25174258</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/giggly__gay/pseuds/spritewrites</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>it's been seventeen years (or forty-five, depending on how you count it), and klaus finally has the opportunity to prove once and for all that he was better at sparring than five... and maybe he can make his brother lighten up a little in the process.</p><p>or, klaus and five spar on the kitchen floor and it goes monumentally badly for one of them (three guesses who)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Number Five | The Boy &amp; Klaus Hargreeves</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>323</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>never fucking change</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Divorcing the idea of a 58-year-old apocalypse-surviving time-traveling assassin from his skinny adolescent brother was something that Klaus was finding… tricky. As much as he respected Five and his efforts to save the world (and, more importantly, his family – and, <em>most </em>importantly, him), it was tough not to find him… well, kind of adorable. The sight of his brother sitting at the kitchen table at 8 a.m. in his schoolboy uniform drinking a whiskey on the rocks was pretty disturbing. In almost a funny way.</p><p> </p><p>Klaus could easily flash back to their Academy days, when Five had been somebody he’d looked up to. When you’re a scrawny, hyperactive medium-in-training who’s afraid of ghosts, a brother who’s smarter, more confident, and more powerful than you are seems like a hero. And in some ways, Klaus could still see that know-it-all, snarky teenager when he looked at Five. In more ways than one, he hadn’t really changed much.</p><p> </p><p>“He hasn’t changed at all.”</p><p> </p><p>Klaus spun to see Ben leaning against the kitchen counter, grinning. More than a decade with no one else to talk to, and Klaus wasn’t <em>that </em>surprised that Ben could practically read his mind on his face.</p><p> </p><p>Ben tilted his head toward where Five was stirring his drink. “Same kid who would cheat at sparring when we were little and then make fun of us for losing.”</p><p> </p><p>Klaus choked back a laugh at the memory, causing Five to glance up from his drink.</p><p> </p><p>“Something funny?” Five asked, clearly more out of politeness than curiosity.</p><p> </p><p>Klaus had to bite his lip to fight his smile. God, same bored tone, too. “Nothing, just… remembering.”</p><p> </p><p>Five took another sip. “Remembering? Really? Bad form, Klaus. I expected better of you.”</p><p> </p><p>Klaus rolled his eyes and grabbed a bagel off the counter, twisting it apart like an Oreo. “You sound like dear old Dad.”</p><p> </p><p>Five smirked. He always smirked, never smiled. “Do I? Sorry, must be the old man in me talking.”</p><p> </p><p>Klaus giggled airily. “Remembering’s not so bad. This old house…” He gestured vaguely around the kitchen. “Well, it’s not what it used to be, but we had some okay times in here.”</p><p> </p><p>Five snorted. “Yeah? Were they all after I left?”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, come on, you wouldn’t have tried so hard to come back if you hadn’t missed us at least a little bit. Can’t be all apocalypse, all the time, can it?”</p><p> </p><p>Five fixed him with a stare. “When you’re living in the apocalypse? Uh, yeah, it can.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, okay, <em>fine. </em>But you never missed the times we used to have? Going on missions? Bedtime stories with Mom? Sparring practices?”</p><p> </p><p>Five rolled his eyes. “I missed <em>winning</em>, yes.”</p><p> </p><p>Klaus crossed his arms, holding the bagel in his teeth. “Onfy becauv you <em>sheeded.”</em></p><p>
  
</p><p>“Excuse me? And are you just going to eat a plain, untoasted bagel for breakfast?”</p><p> </p><p>The bagel was removed. “Only because you cheated, asshole. And yes, I need my carbs.”<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“It’s not cheating if I’m stronger than you,” Five grinned, leaning back in his seat. “Powers were totally legal.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, but it’s not <em>fair</em> if my powers don’t exactly help in hand-to-hand combat, Five and Dime,” Klaus pointed out, ripping his bagel into smaller pieces and putting some in his pocket. He winked at Five. “For later.”</p><p> </p><p>Five wrinkled his nose, half at the bagel and half at the stupid nickname. “I could’ve done it without powers too, you know.”</p><p> </p><p>Klaus raised his eyebrows. “Oh really?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, really.”</p><p> </p><p>“Prove it. Spar with me.”</p><p> </p><p>“Jesus, Klaus,” Ben sighed, fixing his brother with his patented Ben look of utter annoyance, the one he’d perfected when they were still kids. Klaus ignored him. This was just getting fun.</p><p> </p><p>“Unless you’re scared.”</p><p> </p><p>He was baiting him. Five knew, and Klaus knew that he knew. But Klaus also knew that brotherly competition – especially in the Hargreeves family – always won out over logic.</p><p> </p><p>Five rolled his eyes. “I’m not scared of <em>you. </em>That’s not the issue here.”</p><p> </p><p>‘Just getting fun’ was Klaus for ‘getting out of hand’, but if there was one thing Klaus was good at, it was digging his own grave. He giggled again.</p><p> </p><p>“You think I’m scared of you? You look like a discount Oliver Twist.”</p><p> </p><p>For a moment, Klaus held his brother’s eyes, watching the cogs in Five’s head move in directions that he didn’t totally understand, but he had a bad feeling about. Then, Five downed the rest of his drink in one gulp and slammed the empty glass down on the table, a sadistic smirk on his face. “Fine. You want to spar, kid? Let’s spar.”</p><p> </p><p>Klaus gulped. You know, when the idea crossed his mind, he’d kind of forgotten the whole assassin… thing. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.</p><p> </p><p>But before he could backpedal himself out of this one (another Klaus skill), he was on his back on the kitchen floor, fighting for his life – or, more accurately, his limbs. Seventeen years on, Klaus was much bigger than his brother, so it would be difficult for Five to adequately pin him. Difficult, but not impossible.</p><p> </p><p>Five had been rigorously trained by Hargreeves in hand-to-hand combat, because his powers made it easy for him to get up close and personal with criminals. He had skill, technique, and years and years of experience, way more than Klaus had.</p><p> </p><p>But Klaus? Klaus could fight <em>dirty. </em></p><p>
  
</p><p>Five had both of his knees firmly around Klaus’ thighs and was fighting for his wrists when Klaus leaned in close and licked his ear. The former assassin let out a disgusted noise and recoiled, not much, but it was enough give for Klaus to roll them both to the side and spin so he was on Five’s back, half pinning him to the ground.</p><p> </p><p>Five growled and rolled back over to face Klaus, taking one of his arms and shoving it behind his back, but Klaus simply grinned and planted a kiss on his adorable brother’s nose. Five spluttered, clearly flustered but not willing to give up. He got his knee around Klaus’ waist, then flipped them so that Klaus was being pressed face first into the kitchen floor, one arm still tucked behind his back.</p><p> </p><p>“Give up, Klaus, you know you can’t win!”</p><p> </p><p>Klaus groaned, a huge smile on his face. “Daddy said I can do whatever I set my mind to!”</p><p> </p><p>He wrenched the elbow that was pinned behind his back, but he didn’t move it forward, like Five was expecting. He moved it back even further, just far enough to grab onto Five’s leg just above the knee and give a firm squeeze. Five <em>yelped, </em>jerking back his leg and toppling off of his brother. In an instant, Klaus was on top of him, pinning his arms to his sides. His devious grin would have been deliciously contagious for anyone but Five.</p><p> </p><p>“You know, you didn’t <em>always </em>win at sparring, Saturday Night Five. Sometimes I’d manage to end up on top.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’d <em>cheat, </em>is what you mean,” Five shot back, struggling against Klaus’ weight. Klaus feigned shock.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Cheating</em>, dear brother? You dare accuse <em>me</em> of cheating? Why, I don’t think it’s cheating to use my opponent’s weaknesses against them!” He orchestrated his point with a deliberate poke to Five’s lowest rib, eliciting a sharp intake of breath from his brother. Klaus’ smile grew, and Five turned bright red.</p><p> </p><p>“Still ticklish, old man?”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Cheating</em>,” Five choked out, struggling harder. <em>He couldn’t jump if he couldn’t focus, and he couldn’t focus if Klaus was gonna… He didn’t even want to think about what Klaus was gonna</em>.</p><p> </p><p>Klaus tilted his head. “You know, if I recall correctly—”</p><p> </p><p>“Stop recalling,” Five interrupted, but Klaus soldiered on.</p><p> </p><p>“—then I believe that you were weak <em>here</em>…” He traced his fingers over Five’s lowest rib. Five’s jaw snapped shut, and he closed his eyes and breathed hard through his nose with the effort of trying not to laugh.</p><p> </p><p>“K-Klaus…”</p><p> </p><p>“…but not as weak as <em>here</em>…” He skittered his blunt nails under Five’s chin, who scrunched up his shoulders and let out an uncharacteristic whine through clenched teeth.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Bastard, </em>I swear I’m gonna – NO!”</p><p> </p><p>Klaus let out a delighted giggle. Using his brother’s distraction, he had snuck his other hand to rest threateningly on Five’s kneecap.</p><p> </p><p>“Using my opponent’s weakness against him wins the day again, huh, Five-Alarm Fire?” He drummed his fingers casually on Five’s knee. Five arched his back and cursed quietly through his gritted teeth. Klaus leaned in, lifting his hand from Five’s leg for a moment. “What was that?”</p><p> </p><p>“I <em>said, </em>I’m gonna <em>slit your throat in your sleep, </em>you <em>deranged</em>—”</p><p> </p><p>Klaus never found out what kind of deranged thing he was, because immediately he was scribbling tickling fingers over Five’s kneecap and Five <em>shrieked, </em>dissolving into embarrassing high-pitched giggles.</p><p> </p><p>Klaus hummed happily, frustratingly casual as Five writhed frantically beneath him. “Whoops, I remembered your weakest spot. Guess you’re right, I really should stop remembering.” He grinned down at his brother, who was currently red-in-the-face and cackling. “But you know what I think, Five-nal Destination? I think I’m the best at sparring! What do you say to <em>that,</em> hm?”</p><p> </p><p>Five tried to say something that was probably going to be cutting and snarky, but he choked on his words as Klaus moved to tickle the back of his knee, making him tip his head back and squeal.</p><p> </p><p>“Tell ya what, Five O’clock Shadow, if you say I’m better than you at sparring, I’ll let you go. Capeesh?” (Klaus was delighted to find that when he shut Five up for a minute, he got to use all the funny nicknames he wanted with none of the rude eye-rolling.)</p><p> </p><p>“F-fihihine!” Five spluttered through his hysterical laughter, sounding a delightful mix of furious and desperate.</p><p> </p><p>Klaus generously eased off his brother to let him speak, limiting himself to the occasional knee squeeze as Five fought to catch his breath. There was a murderous gleam in his eye, but his dimpled smile ruined the effect.</p><p> </p><p>“I – AH!” Squeeze. “Y-you’re better! You’re better at – AIE!” Another squeeze. “At sparring! You’re better at sparring! Now let me <em>go, </em>you <em>motherfucker!</em>”</p><p> </p><p>Klaus grinned. “Hey now, Grace is a lovely woman and I respect her boundaries,” he replied, climbing off his brother. For a moment, Five lay back on the kitchen floor, clutching his knees to his chest and catching his breath. He looked so peaceful that, when he spoke, it took a second for Klaus to hear him properly.</p><p> </p><p>“…gonna get you back so goddamn hard,” he threatened, the ghost of a smile still etched on his face. Klaus gave him a gentle shove.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, come on, admit it, you had fun.”</p><p> </p><p>Five fixed him with an indecipherable look, and for a second Klaus feared for his life. But then the corners of Five’s mouth tugged upward, just enough to show his dimples, and he was gone in a flash of blue light.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re an asshole.”</p><p> </p><p>Klaus spun to see Ben sitting at the kitchen table, a huge smile on his face despite his mean words.</p><p> </p><p>Klaus pointed threateningly at him. “You’re lucky it wasn’t you. You were always even worse than him, and if anyone could stand to have a little fun, it’s you. Once I get strong enough to manifest you, it’s <em>over—”</em></p><p>
  
</p><p>Ben held up his hands in defense, fighting back laughter. “Okay, okay! No need, I already know that you’re the best at sparring.”</p><p> </p><p>“Damn straight,” Klaus replied, pulling a squished piece of bagel out of his pocket and taking a bite.</p><p> </p><p>With a flash of blue, Five was behind him, digging his thumbs into Klaus’ waist. Klaus yelped, nearly choking on his bagel as he spun around to catch the culprit, but his brother was already gone. From a few floors above, he heard victorious laughter.</p><p> </p><p>Some things never change.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Find me on Tumblr!</p><p>Personal: colllapse<br/>Tickling: notyouraveragesprite</p></blockquote></div></div>
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